I wanted to start writing a blog for about a year before I started this one. I always enjoyed writing. I was learning new stuff and wanted to share it with an audience, however small. A series of things got in the way, not having a professional looking photo, not knowing how to put together a website, not having an audience to share it with. The first two were easy solved, and the third would never be solved unless I started. Still it’s taken me a year. But why?
Probably the same reason that I want to lose weight, but put it off until after my holiday/birthday/friends party/ dogs birthday/Christmas or why loads of us complain about our jobs, but never even get as far as sprucing up our CV’s, let alone actively looking and applying for something else.
It took me a long time to realise the honest reason for this, and I tried to deny it because it pissed me off. The true reason is that it hurts less to not have what I want because I didn’t try, than to not have it because I failed.
If I sit quietly and really pay attention, I can feel that squirmy, uneasy feeling in my gut telling me that’s right. That gut feeling is trying to protect me. The gut is the home of self-preservation, in a world where I’m not likely to be chased by lions or pounced on by marauding Vikings, my gut is protecting from my worst fear; looking like a dick.
The gut is also where motivation and action stems from, so if I’m deeply concerned with looking like knob, I’m unlikely to ever get off my arse and do the very simple actions I know will move me forward.
Now what I try and do is have more compassion for myself, recognise the fear for what it is and act in spite of it. I realise I have to take action, however small, as soon as I decide to go for something otherwise I bottle it. Hopefully I can keep building on these small actions, keep paying attention to my gut instead of ignoring it and eventually get what I want.
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